Comparisons:  Inspiration, Encouragement or Sabotage?

“Always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of a second-rate version of someone else.” — Judy Garland

As children grow up, they look to role models for examples of how to live a good life and be successful. As adults, we continue to be aware of the success of those around us, and sometimes look to others for inspiration and encouragement that what we most desire is achievable. But one thing I’ve been intrigued with in recent days is whether comparisons truly leave us feeling encouraged and inspired, or do they sabotage our efforts.

I have struggled on and off for years to manage my weight and remain physically fit. As I have struggled to find a solution that works for me, I have noted that when it comes to this area and a few others in my life, I get stuck on comparisons. I look at what others have achieved, and I am left feeling “less than.” I wonder why so many others my age have managed to stay active and fit while I have struggled to maintain my once-trim physique. And just like that, my self-satisfaction becomes a house of cards tumbling down at the slightest breeze.

But this view of things is one-sided and misguided because while I am in the throws of comparisons regarding this area of my life, I forget to compare myself in areas where I excel. Truly, if you look outside yourself, you will find people who are successful in one domain but not others. It’s really important to step back and look at the whole scope of things. It’s like the old saying goes:

The grass always appears greener on the other side of the fence. (But is it?)

When I am conscious of it I reflect on the fact that success is a very individual and personal matter, and there is no one-size-fits-all standard of achievement. As part of my reflection, I can ask myself “How am I measuring my success?”

Further, I’m learning that a person’s measurements of success varies at different stages of life.

When I was in my forties I had certain measures of success. Now that I am in my “Bonus & Gifted Years” (i.e., 81), I’m re-evaluating and deciding if those measures still make sense and have decided that I need to shift them.

In the life planning I did earlier, health was my top priority. I defined “health” to include five key areas:
1. Physical
2. Emotional
3. Spiritual
4, Intellectual growth
5. Play

When I was 40 and a widower with four young kids depending on me I realized that being healthy was really important. I knew that if I didn’t take care of myself, I wouldn’t be there to care for my family.

Even though my children are now all grown up, it’s still important for me to be healthy, but for different reasons.

Physical health supports so many other important goals and desires that I have for my life in addition to continuing my work as a life transition coach and creative problem solving facilitator.

I want to be free and fit to explore. I love travel. Until Covid-19 I had planned a train trip to Glacier National Park with my family.  I have some other trips I’d like to take to see my close friends and some world sites.  Right now I need to be creative for the near term.

While I am working at making physical health center stage in my list of personal success measures, your measures may be completely different.

How do you measure your success?

• Achieving your goals?
• The meaningful difference you make in other people’s lives?
• Being of service to others?
• How your kids turned out?
• Having a loving relationship?
• Doing fun, adventuresome things?
• Learning new things?
• Having great supportive friends?
• Having a nice home?
• Giving a good presentation?
• Having enough money in your retirement fund?
• Doing fun, fulfilling things to create an income?
• Being physically fit?
• Losing weight?

One thing that’s worked for me is to forget comparisons and think about “what can I do for others that will serve them and me?” Remember, no matter what category you choose, you will always find someone that can appear more or less successful, so the important thing is to figure out what’s important to you.

Get clear about your own purpose and priorities. Measuring yourself against your own standards rather than somebody else’s will go a long way toward helping you be fulfilled and living live a good life…on purpose.

Steering clear of the land of comparisons and its sabotaging effects is not always easy. Here are the four steps I follow when I am feeling uncertain about my performance in a given area of life:

1. If I am starting to feel inadequate or beaten-down, one of the first things I observe is whether I have entered the land of comparisons. If the answer is yes, I know from experience that there is no cheese down that tube and that I am just setting myself up for misery.
2. Get really clear about what I want to create for myself. What would make me happy, fulfilled and satisfied? Am I willing to be a beginner?
3. Look at what actions I need to take to make that happen. Who do I need to ask for support? Examples are an accountability buddy or a support group to make significant change happen. Accept that I’m a learner….a beginner that will make mistakes.
4. To be grateful for what I have and be generous with myself in recognizing accomplishments and achievements along the way.

My personal challenge at the moment is to remember these four steps as I shift my priorities and goals to suit my own personal desires and purpose in my Bonus & Gifted Years. As long as I can steer clear of comparisons, I know I am 90% of the way there.

Now it’s your turn.

How do you measure success for yourself in your life?

How do you measure success for yourself at this stage in your life?

Success measurements change as we get older. What are your “Bonus and Gifted Years” measurements?